I could use the title of this insertion just about anywhere throughout these writings because it was my life. I was either high or drunk for most of my waking hours between the ages of 13 and about 28 years old. About the only time the streak would stop was when I was locked up in jail or at rehab. I would usually take one night off a week, sometimes two so I could regain my energy, but being messed up was my norm.
I had recently made a move to try and get away from the heavier drug use, but here I found myself again not only drinking regularly but back on the coke pipe and selling drugs to boot to support the habit. A typical night now became work til 8:00 then head to the bar until midnight or so. There I would sell a few small bags of coke and catch a good alcohol buzz then head home to stop by the neighbors and do coke until about 5:00 in the morning. Then came the hard part, heading home alone to my bed. You see when you are this messed up, nobody wants to have a relationship with you. You party together as "friends" and occasionally get lucky with some girl you met at the bar or some party, but for the most part you travel home alone, try to fall asleep and wonder why the crap you were doing what you were doing. It really is a lonely existence but the sad part is, the addiction takes over and you are right back at it only a few hours later.
It even got to the point to where I would either hit the bar on lunch break and sometimes never return to work or head home for a hit or two of coke before the rest of my shift at work. At 8:00, closing time would come and you would repeat the cycle. My boss could tell too that I was slipping back heavily into my addictions, he put up with it for the most part but I knew he didn't like it because it greatly affected my time at work.
This went on for a year or so and it got to the point where it was getting hard to pay the rent. My sister wanted to move in with her boyfriend because she rarely stayed at the apartment anyhow and my dad had recently passed away and my mom was at home all alone.
Speaking of my dads passing. My dad and I fought for most of my teenage years, partly because he wasn't always real good at being a dad because of his own addictions, but mostly because of my way of life and this caused major problems between us. My dad had cancer and was at home on his death bed. My drug use had numbed me to the point where I decided it wasn't even necessary for me to stick close to his side. Knowingly with only days left in his life, I packed up and headed off to Florida with some chick to party and told my mom to call if anything came up. Well you already know the rest of this story, yes Dad passed while I was chasing the buzz and the chick.
As I headed home for the funeral I had another realization that I needed to change, that I needed another change of scenery to try and regain some self respect. So it was back to Hellam to live at my moms and to try and sober up some and figure it all out. You know, go ahead and say it or just tune in tomorrow to learn more about what you already know is coming...